EXPRESSIONS

Many times I sit and wonder why things seem to happen differently for me, up to the point where I’ve come to believe that I can’t and won’t get good things, and even if I do it’s a mistake or it just happened.

I never believed I was good enough for anything, academically I wasn’t always sound, and I must say there are many other factors that came to play in my life that made me believe that, from my primary school teacher telling me that I was too dumb to pass my common entrance exam into Chrisland. That statement broke me, it still hurts me, writing about it now brings tears to my eyes because I really felt like I tried my best, only to have failed, and that was the beginning of a long streak of dislike for myself.

This doubt for myself followed me through secondary school, where I was too scared to try anything new because I’m always scared of failing, but I am grateful to my parents because they made sure to remind of how special I was.

One moment I would never forget was in my SS2, I wrote the JAMB exam and I remember being so scared of failing, I kept asking my mom “what if I fail?” and again, my teachers in school kept threatening to make me repeat my class making fun of me for even attempting to write such an exam because already I wasn’t academically sound, and the thought of me writing JAMB in SS2 sounded like a joke, I was terrified, but something my mom said to me that I still say to myself to this day “what if you pass” and guess what? I passed. I was so happy, I knew I worked for that, that is the only time I know I really worked hard for something and got it, no shortcuts, nothing, just me, I was proud of myself, I am still proud of myself for doing that.

Little did I know that the feeling of joy would be short lived the moment I got into my dream school, Covenant University.

I wouldn’t say so much, except for the fact that I really wasn’t ready to be in university, I was 15 when I got into covenant university, looking back and I realize everything that happened was meant to be, not because I am destined for failure, but because life is messy, and you win some and you lose some.

Saying this doesn’t do much for me because I can be faced with a really difficult situation and start saying some extremely hurtful things to myself.

I won’t lie, seeing other people win some of those things that I lost, hurts me because truly, nothing good ever comes easy for me.

I am currently doing my NYSC, after graduation with a 2:1 in a course that I absolutely love, it’s a win for me, I wish I could go back to that little girl that failed her chrisland common entrance exam and tell her that she isn’t dumb like her teacher said, she’s just going through life, and it can be tough but we have to keep moving because we are closer to our win everyday we get up and try.

Why am I writing this? I’ve been rejected twice already from two different primary places of assignment, and I would lie if I said it’s the best feeling, I’m currently awaiting an interview for another and I don’t know anything that’s going on, all I know is that I’m waiting for a call, I don’t even know the name of the place. I decided to write this so I wouldn’t feel too bad for myself, but instead encourage myself that no matter what happens, I failed the common entrance exam to Chrisland, but I got into another school, I failed in covenant university, but I graduated with a 2:1 from another, I got two rejections in a month, God is still writing my story.